Still Holding On
by southernbelle4
Summary: A Romance rekindled in the midst of tragic circumstances. Jinter fic. PLEASE READ & REVIEW!!!
1. Looking Back

Title: Still Holding on Category: Drama/Angst/ Romance-JC & JMC Rating: PG-13 just to be on the safe side (Later in the story) Spoilers: None; I only wish this would happen on the show, but it won't. Archive: ask first, then I'll decide Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They belong to Warner Brothers, Michael Criton, NBC, etcetera, etcetera.  
  
Authors Note: This is the first chapter in my very first fan fiction. I really hope that you enjoy it, and I can't wait to post the next couple of chapter, so read fast! Just kidding! Hope you enjoy, and I want feedback!  
  
~~~~*  
  
She sat alone in the semi-abandoned airport, and waited.for what, she did not know. He had said that it was over, that she deserved better. He was wrong, and she knew it. She still loved him.  
  
Her thoughts drifted to two years earlier.  
  
~~~~*  
  
The wedding had been everything that she had planned; the eight months of preparation had been worth it, and the money was well spent, not that either family was lacking in that department. It had been the social event of the year- the joining of two of Chicago's most affluent families in one marriage.  
  
After returning from their honeymoon in Europe, both were anxious to get back to the ER.  
  
"Hey, look who's back-it's the Carters." The burly desk clerk shouted. All heads around the admit desk turned to see the happy couple upon their arrival.  
  
"It's good to be back, Jerry. Did you all miss us?"  
  
"Weaver's been on the warpath for the past two weeks. We've been working overtime, and double shifts-What do you think?" Susan said sarcastically as she hugged John. She turned to Jing Mei and quickly hugged her friend.  
  
"Yeah-I would say that you two owe us big time-Congratulations, man." Luka shook John's hand, and then walked into exam one to deal with a broken arm.  
  
The rest of the "welcome backs" proceeded in a similar fashion, and then it was back to the daily grind of the ER for the newlyweds.  
  
"Carter-we've got an MVA coming in with an ETA of five minutes. I need you on it. Oh, yeah, and welcome back. And find your wife. I need her to take one of these patients"  
  
"Right, sure. Thanks, Dr. Weaver."  
  
Things were definitely back to normal, for a while at least.  
  
~~~~*  
  
"Hey, your finally home."  
  
"Sorry about that, baby." John kissed Deb on the forehead. "We had a rape victim pull up just before my shift ended. Seventeen-year-old girl. She'll pull through, but it was bad. Her parents showed up, and they completely lost it. I hate that part of the job."  
  
"I know, sweetie. We all do."  
  
"Anyway, I'm just glad to be off, so that I could come home and sleep!" He fell on the couch, and pretended to snore loudly.  
  
Looking over at him, she smiled, and teasingly said, "Are you sure that's what you had in mind?"  
  
His eyes opened, and caught the glimmer in hers. He jumped up, grabbed the paperback from her hands, picked her up off the couch, and carried her upstairs to the master suite. Her squeals could be heard throughout the house as he playfully threw her on to the bed, and turned out the lights.  
  
~~~~*  
  
When the first beam of sunlight peeked into the room, John lay there, doing nothing but watching his wife breathe.  
  
God, she's beautiful. I have to be the luckiest man on earth.  
  
He thought back to the time before they became involved. She had been his best friend all through medical school, but the relationship had stalled after she had accidentally killed a man. But she came back. They had resumed the professional relationship and a personal friendship, yet no sparks flew. John thought about the past relationships-the ones that did not last. Elaine, Anna, Lucy, Rena, Roxanne, Susan, and Abby. None of those had lasted. None f them meant anything. It wasn't until an ER Christmas party two years ago that he finally realized that Deb was the one woman in his life who was constantly there for him, except for Gamma.  
  
Beside him, Deb stirred, bringing him back to the present.  
  
"Good Morning, Beautiful."  
  
She yawned and stretched. "Morning."  
  
"What time do you go in? I'm on at 10:00"  
  
"8:00-I'd better get a move on."  
  
She slipped out of bed, and into the bathroom.  
  
As she showered, Deb thought about the life she and John had made for themselves. Both had been brought up under the strict standards set by the society column of the Sun-Times. But finding one another as more than friends had been a challenge. After the initial awkward confrontation at the Christmas party two years ago, the couple had to adjust to the strain of being a young couple under the stresses of the ER. Not to mention the scrutiny of the nurses at work. The gossip mill was working over time between Christmas and Valentines Day, when the "secret" relationship was revealed in the form of three dozen roses. Deb smiled to herself, and finished getting ready for work.  
  
She exited the bathroom, headed to breakfast, and was stunned to see six beautifully wrapped packages sitting on the dining room table.  
  
"What on earth is this?" she exclaimed.  
  
"Six gifts for six months. Why surely you have not forgotten that today is our six month anniversary, have you?" He stood behind her, and wrapped two loving arms around her.  
  
"Actually, yeah, I did. Sorry."  
  
He laughed at her bluntness. "Oh well. No harm done. There's nothing I need, cause I have everything that I need, right here, in my arms."  
  
A tear of sheer joy slipped down her face, and he quickly kissed it away.  
  
"Stop that. I don't like to see you crying. If you don't open those gifts, I just might have to take them back."  
  
"Oh no you don't." she said quickly as she pounced at the neatly wrapped packages. After opening the first five, she stepped back, and realized how thoughtful her husband was. An ancient bottle of wine, a diamond bracelet, some expensive perfume, some silk lingerie, a box of imported chocolates.  
  
"Thank you, John."  
  
"Wait-there's one more.here you go."  
  
He pushed the last box toward her. She opened it and stared at the contents with a confused glance on her face.  
  
"A baby bottle? John, what is this? What are you trying to tell me?"  
  
"I'm saying that maybe it's time we think about starting a family. I know that it is completely your decision, but.just think about it, Okay?"  
  
"I cannot wait to be the mother of your children, John Carter," she said with a smile. She kissed him and left for work.  
  
Nether of them was prepared for what would transpire within the next few weeks.  
  
~~~~* 


	2. A Broken Wing

Title: Still Holding on Category: Drama/Angst/ Romance-JC & JMC Rating: PG-13 just to be on the safe side (Later in the story) Spoilers: None; I only wish this would happen on the show, but it won't. Archive: ask first, then I'll decide Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They belong to Warner Brothers, Michael Criton, NBC, etcetera, etcetera.  
  
Authors Note: This is the second chapter in my very first fan fiction. I really hope that you enjoy it, and I can't wait to post the next couple of chapter, so read fast! Just kidding! Hope you enjoy, and I want feedback!  
  
~~~~*  
  
"Jing Mei, I've got a head lac in exam two that is showing signs of infection. Could you take a look?  
  
"Sure, Abby." This took all of about five minutes, and then there was nothing to do.  
  
The ER seemed remarkably calm and quiet. This allowed John and Deb to sneak into the lounge for a quick nap on the couch, to catch up on the sleep they lost the night before. This peace was interrupted, when Jerry and Susan entered the lounge.  
  
"Hate to wake them up. They look so peaceful," The doctor said, when she saw their arms wrapped around one another.  
  
Jerry had no problem playing alarm clock. "Hey, lovebirds, get up! Trauma coming in."  
  
His shouts quickly woke the sleeping couple, and they went to prepare for the incoming trauma.  
  
"What have we got?"  
  
"Twenty two year old female. Sexually assaulted, stab wound in the left upper chest, head lac, BP 80/40, broken pelvis."  
  
"Not again", John thought.  
  
Their attempts to save the young woman proved fruitless. She was pronounced, forty-five minutes later.  
  
Deb's half shift ended fifteen minutes later. She kissed John goodbye, and walked through the automatic doors of the ER. John watched her leave, with an uneasy feeling in his stomach. Traumas like that always made him worry about her. He pushed away those feelings when a two year old was brought in with massive dog bites. He put his attention again on his work.  
  
~~~~*  
  
As Deb walked away from the ER toward her BMW, she felt as though someone was watching or following her. "I always feel that way after a trauma like that. How could it not affect me?" she thought to herself.  
  
When she entered the suburban home she and John shared, she began to feel more relaxed, and decided that a nice bubble bath would be perfect. She knew that her husband would be home at ten that night, but that did not suppress the fact that she missed him already. She lay back in the bath, and let her mind wander, until she fell into a deep sleep.  
  
She awoke to the sound of the front door opening.  
  
"How long have I been in here? John shouldn't be home yet. Maybe he convinced Susan to swap a shift with him. Why did he use the front door?"  
  
She quickly put on a robe, and headed down the stairs.  
  
"John? Is that you?"  
  
The house was eerily quiet. Deb looked around, and became suddenly frightened in the place that was so familiar to her. She stepped into the sunroom in the back of the house, when she felt arms wrap around her waist. She smiled, thinking to herself how silly it had been to be afraid in her own home.  
  
"John. What are you do." She stopped short as she turn to look at the man behind her. "Oh God, no!" she thought. "This can't be happening."  
  
Fear swept through her body as, she turned and looked into the face of a stranger. "Oh, God, no!" She screamed as she tried to untangle herself from the man's arms. It was no use. He was too strong. He pinned her arms to her side and proceeded to put his mouth over hers. This muffled her screams, cutting off her last strings of hope of getting away from this man that she did not recognize.  
  
Her captor became more and more forceful, pushing her up the grand staircase. Deb tried to kick her way free, but it was to no avail. He was just too strong; it was over powering. As he pushed open the door to the bedroom, Deb began to cry.  
  
"Shut up! Shut up, if you want to see tomorrow. You saw what happened to my last one." With that he slapped her, causing her head to hit the corner of the chest of drawers, and the back of her head to bleed profusely. She could tell that she was about to lose consciousness.  
  
He then pinned her between his body and the bedpost, and began to take off her bathrobe.  
  
"Please, no, don't do this! You're hurting me! Stop!" She begged for minutes as she tried to remain alert. He grabbed her chin in one hand and forced her onto the bed with his weight.  
  
"John!" was all she could think of as her assailant completed his evil deed and she fell into a disturbed and terrifying sleep.  
  
~~~~*  
  
John left work that night, and realized that the unpleasant feeling he had when Deb left, had only increased, throughout the remainder of his shift. He wanted to get home as quickly as he could, if for no other reason, to assure himself that she was fine.  
  
He drove up, and realized that everything seemed to be in place and in order, so he again shoved his fears to the back of his mind. He walked into the house, and figured that his wife was probably already asleep in their bed. He walked up the stairs to the room he and Deb shared, not noticing the drops of blood that mimicked his every step. He expected her to be peacefully dreaming, only to be awakened by his kisses.  
  
He entered the room, and he froze. The fear that he had pushed away only moments earlier, had resurface, and had multiplied when he saw the sight in front of him. It was a scene straight from his worst nightmare. There was his precious wife lying on the bed. She was bruised.battered.naked.  
  
His mind was racing, and he was at her side within seconds. He did not know what to do. It was like all the medical knowledge he had attained, suddenly had been drained from him. He saw that she was breathing, but he had to get her to the hospital. He gathered her broken body into his arms, covered her in a blanket, and carried her down the stairs.  
  
He drove to the hospital as fast as he dared, all the while counting every precious breath his wife released, knowing that he was that much closer to losing her.  
  
~~~~*  
  
At the hospital, the night shift was sitting around, contemplating the stupid warning labels on the medications. Luka, Abby, Susan, Yosh, Chuny, and even Kerry laughed hysterically at Malik's explanation of the warning label on a tube of cortisone cream. It had been quiet for the most part, with the exception of a few drunks and a dislocated shoulder. Suddenly the laughter was interrupted by a voice that they recognized as one of their own.  
  
"Help! Get a gurney!" John was holding the precious bundle in his arms, and tears were flowing down his face. The doctors and nurses on duty jumped out of their chairs and ran over to their friend. What they saw when they got there was a picture none of them would soon forget. It was Deb.  
  
"Oh my God! What happened, John?"  
  
"I don't know. Kerry, please help her." He began to follow the gurney into Trauma one.  
  
"John-we got this. This is too personal. You need to stay here."  
  
"Kerry, I."  
  
"John, stay here. We don't know what we will find. Please let us do what we need to so we can save her."  
  
He stopped her as she turned to go tend to his wife. "Please. Don't let her die. I can't live without her. Please."  
  
"John, we'll do all that we can. I promise."  
  
The door shut behind her, and he was left standing at the glass door, looking helplessly at his friends, working tirelessly to save his wife, his heart, his life life. He was unable to move, knowing that any moment, she might leave him forever. He fell to his knees, began to weep. 


	3. When You Come Back to Me Again

Title: Still Holding on Category: Drama/Angst/ Romance-JC & JMC Rating: PG-13 just to be on the safe side (Later in the story) Spoilers: None; I only wish this would happen on the show, but it won't. Archive: ask first, then I'll decide Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They belong to Warner Brothers, Michael Criton, NBC, etcetera, etcetera. Apologies: I forgot to turn off the "do not allow anonymous reviewers" option, but I corrected it, so that should be fixed. Hope to hear your reviews!  
  
****This will be a short chapter; just a look into John's feelings and emotion during the time while his wife is in a coma. I have presented in this chapter, parts of the conversation he carried on with a lifeless Deb. If you have seen the movie "A Walk to Remember" it may be easier to visualize this scene. Cue violin music-one phrase, fade to black-one phrase, fade to black-. You get the picture. Imagine John in different places during each phrase (lying next to her on the bed, sitting in a chair next to the bed, pacing, etc.) Enjoy!  
  
~~~~*  
  
Three days later, John sat in the ICU, as he had done constantly for the past 72 hours. He realized that she could go at any time. The longer she was in the coma, the less likely she was to wake up. He had been speaking to her since they brought her up, whispering a one sided conversation to her, hoping that it would bring her back to him sooner.  
  
"Baby, you've got to wake up. We've got so much living to do. We'll have a family to raise. But you've got to be around for that too. I love you so much."  
  
"Remember the first time I kissed you? Do you remember that? I had taken you home after the Christmas party. We were on you back patio, and the snow was falling. I don't think you were expecting it. I know that I caught you off guard. But you had that look in your eyes. You were happy. That made me happy."  
  
"The stock market is up again. What do you think we should do with that allocation money? Stocks or bonds."  
  
"Gamma came by earlier. She did not stay long. She had a meeting with some investors about the Carter Family Foundation, so she had to leave. I'm kind of worried about her. She seems to be overdoing it a little bit. I think we should tell her to slow down, even though I know it won't do any good! She is stubborn."  
  
"What do you think they're doing down in the ER. I heard that it was pretty quiet, and that Dave had organized a game of gurney polo. Can you imagine."  
  
"I had wanted to propose months earlier, but I was afraid, not of the commitment, but of you father. I'm glad I did though. We're you surprised? You looked like you were. I will never forget your expression when you looked at the ribbon around the rose and saw the diamond. I wanted you to know how special you are to me."  
  
"When you get out of here, I was thinking that we should take some time to get a way from Chicago. Maybe we could go to Aspen or Tahoe. Would you like that."  
  
He longed for her to reply to his questions, but she remained silent. It broke his heart. She looked so peaceful, but he could not diminish the concern he had for when she woke up.if she woke up. He knew her well, and was afraid that, while she was strong, it would be difficult for her to move past her.her rape. He could not get that word out of his mind. Guilt had begun to fill his heart, and he knew that it would be there for along time to come. He had not felt this way since Lucy.  
  
~~~*Please help. What do you think should happen next? I know what direction I need to go, but your input would be appreciated! Thanks! 


	4. Moving On

Title: Still Holding on Category: Drama/Angst/ Romance-JC & JMC Rating: PG-13 just to be on the safe side (Later in the story) Spoilers: None; I only wish this would happen on the show, but it won't. If it did, I would want royalties! Just kidding! Archive: ask first, then I'll decide Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They belong to Warner Brothers, Michael Criton, NBC, etcetera, etcetera.  
  
Authors Note: Some of you may notice that I have revised Chapter one of this story. I did so because of a chronology error on my part. If you have not reread the 1st chapter, you might want to go back and do so, or at least the last few paragraphs. That is where the changes are. Now about this Chapter: As if the story was not angsty enough, well, let's just say that the real angst begins here. I have several twists and turns prepared for the next several installments. Some may be predictable, others, I'm hoping will really surprise you! Ok- On with the story! Ya'll enjoy! ~~~~*  
  
The visitors had been nearly constant, but John had hardly noticed any of them. To him, the only person that mattered to him was Deb. The pain he felt was worse than any he had ever felt; it was worse that having a six- inch butcher knife shoved into his back. This would be his demise if she never got off that hospital bed.  
  
"John."  
  
John did not hear his name being called, until it was repeated several times.  
  
"John-Dr. Carter!"  
  
"Dr. Edwards, I'm sorry, I did not hear you," John said to Debs physician.  
  
"Its quite alright John. I understand. Let me check her condition." He attempted to make small talk during the examination. "Have you talked to the police again?"  
  
"Yeah. Yeah I did. They said until she wakes up, and decides to talk, they have no leads. No one saw anything, there are no fingerprints, and no one I can think of who would do anything like this. Tony, I don't know how to deal with this. I'm scared, angry, frustrated and tired, all at the same time."  
  
The other doctor smiled and nodded, not knowing exactly what to say to the young man.  
  
"Well, I don't really see much of a change, except some increase in brain waves on the EEG. That's a good sign. She may come to very soon." He looked at Carter, and walked out the door.  
  
Two hours later, John was lying next to his wife, on her hospital bed, when he felt her stir in his embrace. He was wide-awake instantly, and began to try and bring her into the conscious moment with gentle touches.  
  
"STOP! GET AWAY FROM ME!!! HELP, HELP ME PLEASE!" she screamed suddenly. She began to flail her arms in a desperate attempt to escape him.  
  
John jumped off the bed at Deb's cries. He yelled down the hall for Dr. Edwards, and ran back to Deb's side.  
  
John spoke quietly to the delirious woman, trying with all his might to quiet her screams. "Deb, baby, I'm here. He won't hurt you anymore. No one will. Please calm down. Please."  
  
Dr. Edwards entered the room, and injected Deb with a relaxant. As her cries became less and less hysterical, it became obvious to the doctors that Deb was not mentally the same person that she was the week before.  
  
This ripped John's heart into many pieces. Seeing her in this condition was worse than the silence before, because it finally occurred to him the pain that she felt in her last moments of consciousness.  
  
As the next twenty-four hours progressed, Deb's mental status became increasingly better. She sat up, and managed to choke down some hospital food. While he was relieved at her improvement, John noticed that she had become detached and silent. She had not said one word to him. She did not even seem to notice that he was in the room with her.  
  
He wanted to reach out and touch her face, to feel her breath on his hand, to reassure her that he was there for her. But when he attempted this, she shuttered and tried to back away from him. He could only hope that this was temporary.  
  
~~~~*  
  
After a few days of that painful silence, John was not sure if he could keep this up. He had been deprived of a normal sleep pattern for nearly two week, catching only a few power naps during these two weeks from hell.  
  
One afternoon while she slept, John sat beside her bed, and rested his head on the side of it.  
  
"John." Her weak voice was just loud enough to wake him from his much needed slumber.  
  
With that one word, he knew that they would be ok, that she had come back to him, just like he asked her to do while she was in the coma.  
  
~~~~*  
  
One month had passed since the incident. The couple had returned to some realm of normalcy, although "normal" would never be normal again.  
  
Deb told John that she never wanted to return to the place where IT had happened. They sold the old home and moved into a home slightly larger than the one they previously inhabited.  
  
Deb's vitality and spirit slowly returned to her, and she became the person John remembered. Yet there were certain things that took Deb back to the moment her life changed. She did not want to be alone, so when John worked, either her mother, or Gamma, or even Abby or Susan would come stay with her. She did not want to go back to work, because of what he, the man who assaulted her, had said. "You saw what happened to the last one." He had obviously been at the ER that night, and it scared her to think of him being there. The police had been able to gather any other evidence, aside from what Deb described to them, and all of that was vague. She remembered bits and pieces of her attack, but nothing that would have someone convicted.  
  
Yet, the thing that troubled Deb the most, was the fact that intimacy with her husband was something that she could not do. She could not feel alive, for thinking about the last time. She had been broken and did not feel like she could give John all of herself. She lost a certain part of herself that night, a part that could never be retained.  
  
It concerned her husband, too, but he knew that it would be difficult for her to be intimate in the immediate future. He still longed for children, but that could wait until she felt comfortable enough in herself to let him prove himself to her again.  
  
~~~~*  
  
"Hey, you two."  
  
"Hey Abby. You want some breakfast?"  
  
John and Deb sat in the breakfast nook of their new home, eating eggs and toast, when their friend entered the room.  
  
"Thanks for the offer John, but I grabbed something from Doc Magoos on my way out of the hospital. How are you feeling today Jing-Mei?"  
  
"Eh, not to great to be honest. It's probably just the flu."  
  
"Well, I'm going to get to work, but I'll call and check in later, alright baby?" he said as he lightly kissed her forehead.  
  
His wife nodded, and watched him leave the room, followed by Abby who was going to lock the door behind John.  
  
Before he walked out the door, John turned to Abby.  
  
"She is not feeling well at all. She threw up twice in the past six hours, and she looks really pale. She refuses to admit it, but I think that she feels worse than she is letting on. Keep an eye on her, ok?"  
  
"No problem. Hey, John," she stopped him before he shut the door. "How are you doing? You have not been yourself since it happened."  
  
"God, Abby, I can't help but think that this is all my fault. I should have been here."  
  
"Like with Lucy?"  
  
John stared at the petite brunette standing in his kitchen.  
  
"What are you insinuating? That I'm going to have a relapse of my addiction because of this. Abby, come on. I'm over that. I'll admit, it has been difficult, but I can handle it. I don't need you prying into my business, especially when it concerns my addiction. I'm not the one who was sober for over five years, and then relapsed into an addiction worse than the one before. But I'm not pointing any fingers!"  
  
John slammed the door, and left for work, leaving Deb and Abby alone.  
  
The two women had a fairly enjoyable morning and afternoon. Abby caught Deb up on the ER gossip; they flipped through magazines, and watched every game show and Soap Opera known to man. Their enjoyment ceased periodically throughout the day, though. Every now and then, Deb would get sick to her stomach, and have to high tail it to the downstairs bathroom. Abby was very concerned about her friend, and wondered if she should take Deb to see a doctor. Then it hit her- but that thought was too terrible to even comprehend. 


	5. It Only Hurts When I Breathe

Title: Still Holding on Category: Drama/Angst/ Romance-JC & JMC Rating: PG-13 Spoilers: None Archive: ask first, then I'll decide Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me. They belong to Warner Brothers, Michael Criton, NBC, etcetera, etcetera.  
  
Author's note: I apologize for the long wait for this next chapter. I got caught up in another series I am writing (Different, but the Same, and Challenged, but still Unbroken~ You might want to read those if you get a chance!) about John and Randi. I honestly did not realize the terrible cliffhanger I left in this story. Anyway, here is the fifth chapter. Thanks to aroseisarose for reminding me to work on this story, too!  
  
****  
  
"Jing Mei, What does it say? Tell me."  
  
"Oh, God. Abby, I'm pregnant." The Chinese woman exited the bathroom with tears streaming down her face. She silently fell into the arms of her friend, who stood with her and comforted her until she regained a somewhat normal train of thought.  
  
"What are you going to tell John?"  
  
"I don't know. He will figure out that it is not his. I have hurt him so much in this past month. Now this-"  
  
"Shh-everything is going to be all right. I know John. He will love you no matter what. I saw how he never left you side while you were in the coma, and how he longed for you to recover. He will help you through this."  
  
"I can't tell him yet, Abby."  
  
"He is going to figure it out eventually."  
  
"I know. I just need some time. Please don't say anything."  
  
"I won't. But I do think that you need to talk with him."  
  
Deb nodded, and lay down on the king sized bed in the master suite. She quickly cried herself to sleep, leaving Abby to contemplate how John and Deb's life was about to change.  
  
****  
  
Three weeks after Deb's startling revelation, John persuaded her to go on a picnic, in silent hopes to get the spark back into their romance. They went to a small park, about thirty minutes outside the Chicago city limits. While the skies seemed to be lightly filling with clouds, it was still a nice day.  
  
John noticed that his wife had once again become reclusive and introverted. His concern and curiosity got the better of him, and he found an opportunity to get his wife alone and try to talk to her.  
  
The clouds had begun to appear more prevalently by the time they made it to their picnic area.  
  
John began to set out the food, and the plates, all the while trying to get Deb involved in a conversation.  
  
As he did so, Deb walked away from him, and began to shake with the tears now flowing heavily down her face. She realized that she had to tell him the truth, and she had to do it then.  
  
John saw this, and his growing concern was overwhelming him. He ran to catch up to her. He grabbed her arm, gently and stood directly in front of her, preventing her from running away again.  
  
"What is it, Baby? I don't like seeing you act this way. I thought we were finally putting this nightmare behind us. Now you have all of a sudden returned to that reclusive person that was lying in that hospital bed. Tell me. Let me help you."  
  
"John, I've been putting off telling you this," she said through her sobs. Finally she took in a deep breath, and blurted out the two words that would change their lives forever.  
  
"I'm pregnant."  
  
A smile spread across John's face. "Sweetheart, what were all the tears for? This is great news. A baby! This is what we wanted-a baby; our ba-Oh, my God! Deb-" He saw the look in her eyes. The reality of this pregnancy hit him like a ton of bricks. His smile faded, and he attempted to choke down the anger that was preparing to overflow out of him. "It's not-it's not mine, is it?"  
  
The rain began to fall in torrents.  
  
His wife could not look into his eyes, for the shame and fear in hers. She could say nothing, knowing anything she said would cause his heart to break even more, just like hers had been doing for days.  
  
"When were you planning on telling me?" As he said this, his hands left her shoulders, and he turned away, not wanting her to see the anger flaring in his eyes. "W-why didn't you tell me," he said with more ferocity.  
  
"Because, I don't want to lose you;" she shouted, in anger. "But at the same time, I don't want you to feel that you have any obligation to this child or me. He, or she, is mine-not ours. I love you John, and I want you to be happy. I am afraid that by taking this child as your own, you will be sacrificing your happiness, and for that, I would have to contend with guilt. Guilt that the child I will give birth to is not my husband's. Guilt that I could not find a way to escape-this baby's father." With that, she sat on a nearby rock, and began to sob, yet again.  
  
Stunned at what his wife had said, John could not move; he could only think.  
  
*No obligation to her? She felt guilty because she could not escape? *  
  
"What have I done?" he whispered to himself.  
  
He walked over, and gently put his arms around her, in a vain attempt to quell her tears, which could not be distinguished from the rain.  
  
"None of this is your fault. I don't blame you for anything." He, too, was sobbing at this point. He took her red face into his hands, and looked straight into her deep chocolate colored eyes.  
  
"I love you too, with all of my heart, Deb Carter. Nothing will ever change my feelings for you-not even this. And you're wrong; this baby will be ours. Blood is not what makes a family. I will love this child as if it were mine. I will never, never stop loving you-either one of you."  
  
With this, he kissed her passionately. The rain was still falling, steadily, but with less tumult. Deb felt safer at that moment, than she had in nearly two months.  
  
****  
  
So, was it worth the wait?  
  
I know that it is shorter than the other chapters, but I was emotionally drained after writing that much, so I decided to go ahead and post this short scene as the next chapter.  
  
PLEASE READ AND REVIEW! I need help and encouragement, so tell me what you think (Or I'll stop the story at another cliffhanger moment, and make you wait another two months before posting the next part! JUST KIDDING [I think!]! ) 


	6. Feels Like Home

Still Holding On Rated: PG13 Disclaimer: What do you think? Not mine! Author's note: Sorry it took SSSSOOO long to update, but I really had gotten stuck on where I wanted to go with this. Anyway, I'm back on track now, and am two chapters ahead, the next of which will be added next week sometime. PLEASE READ & REVIEW!!!  
  
Let the Lovin' begin!!!  
  
****  
  
They returned to their home an hour later soaked to the skin, but neither one caring much. They were having a baby, and this was all that mattered. They both knew Deb had begun the healing process from this traumatic event, and John hoped that meant he would have his wife back.  
  
The couple entered the house by way of the kitchen and realized that the electricity had apparently been knocked out by the storm, and the house was pitch dark. They were both freezing and wet.  
  
They headed up the stairs and to their bedroom, where both were eager to change into warmer, drier clothes. John changed and quickly lit candles and placed them on the dresser and the nightstands and the bathroom counter. As he turned to exit the bathroom, he stopped and silently watched as Deb changed into some cotton pajama pants and a tee shirt. As she slipped the shirt over her head, he saw the signs on her belly of her first pregnancy. He hadn't thought about how Michael's adoption would affect her through this pregnancy. He found himself distracted by how beautiful she was in this light.  
  
She saw him watching her in the mirror she was standing in front of. She turned and her eyes met his in the gentle glow of the candlelight. She smiled at him, placed her hand on her belly, and broke the gaze by turning back around. She knew that he was walking toward her, but she wasn't sure what to do.  
  
She felt his arms wrap around her waist, just like the man who raped her had done. She gasped quietly as he put his hand over hers and gently touched her belly. John sensed her fear, and softly put his lips to her ear and began to whisper.  
  
"Shhh, Baby. I'm not going to hurt you, and I'm not going to let anyone hurt you or this child. I promise. If you want me to stop, I will. You know that I don't want to rush you into anything, but I do love you. More than anything on this planet. I know this is scary, but let me help you through it. All of it. Please."  
  
A small tear ran down her face. She longed to be with her husband again, but he was right. She was afraid. She turned to face John.  
  
"Will you just hold me? Please, that's what I need more than anything right now."  
  
He inhaled deeply and smiled at her, understandingly. He put an arm tightly around her, kissed her forehead blew out all the candles and guided her back downstairs. They went into the living room, and John set about to start a small fire in the marble fireplace.  
  
They sat on the soft couch directly in front of the fireplace. John had Deb's head cradled in his lap, and was gently stroking her still damp hair. The storm had begun to pick up again, and flashes of lightening and claps of thunder were filling the house every minute or so. Deb was peacefully sleeping when a knock was heard at the living room entrance.  
  
John turned to find Tim and Margaret, the groundskeeper and housekeeper John had recently hired, standing under the archway.  
  
"Sorry to interrupt you, but the electrical company called and said that the power will be off all night, and probably into the morning. They suggested we all go to a hotel in the city for the night. All the power has been restored inside Chicago."  
  
"You two go on into town. We'll be all right here."  
  
"Are you sure? We can get you two a room if you wanted to come on later."  
  
"No. I think we are going to stay here tonight. We need some time. But you two go on. In fact, take tomorrow off as well. Do some shopping and just enjoy yourself. I'm off, so you don't have to worry about Deb."  
  
"Thank you, John," the older man said.  
  
"We'll see you tomorrow," his smiling wife joined in.  
  
"Bye, Tim. Bye, Margaret. Drive carefully."  
  
The older couple left the room, and John soon heard the back door shut and lock behind them. Deb's body jumped at the sound.  
  
"What was that?" she asked groggily.  
  
"Tim and Margaret are going to stay in the city tonight because the electricity won't be on until tomorrow. I told them that we would stay here, but if you'd be more comfortable somewhere else, then we can leave."  
  
"No. I want to stay right here, where we are right now. This is the safest I've felt in a long time, John. I'd keep things like this forever if I could. For the first time in a while, I don't feel like I have failed you somehow."  
  
"I never wanted to make you feel that way, Deb. That was the farthest thing from my mind. In fact, I have felt like I was the one who failed you. If I had been with you that night, none of this would have happened. I can't forgive myself for what you have gone through these last two months. I would have given anything to take some of that pain away from you."  
  
"Don't feel that way. This is just something we are going to have to get past."  
  
"That may be a hard thing to do now."  
  
"John, I know that this baby will always remind me of that night, but-I can't-"  
  
"I know. I wouldn't ask you to give up this baby. I told you before that I would love this child as if he or she was my own. You're my wife. We'll get through this. I promise."  
  
Deb smiled, but remained silent for a while. John seemed to be able to read her mind.  
  
"You're thinking about Michael."  
  
"Uh-huh. I still think about him everyday. And I wonder what life would have been like if I had kept him. Would I have been a good mother to him, as good as I know Linda is? Would you and I ever gotten together. It scares me to think of how different things could have been."  
  
"Hey, Don't think about the 'could have been's'. It won't do you any good. We make decisions in life, and you made the one that was best for you at the time. And everything has worked out. Life has a way of doing that on its own."  
  
Deb smiled as she stared into her husbands eyes.  
  
"You're going to be a great father."  
  
"And you're going to be a great mother. I've always thought so."  
  
Deb gently reached up and momentarily touched her husbands face. This was the reason she loved him so much. They could talk about anything, and he was always supportive. He knew how to make her weak, but could make her feel so strong at exactly the same moment. He knew every thought that ran though her mind. She felt more love for him at that moment than she had in the past two months.  
  
John saw the returning passion in her eyes, and read her like a book. She was still cautious, but willing. He knew that he had to take things slowly for her sake. He mimicked her by placing his hand on her soft cheek. He caressed her forehead, and ran his fingers softly over her lips. He then wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. He lowered his lips to hers, and kissed her with a passion that had been denied for the past months.  
  
She reciprocated his passion, and the couple soon made their way to the soft, lush carpet of the living room floor. They knew that they were alone, so neither one held back. They took full advantage of the empty house, not bothering to take it upstairs to the bedroom.  
  
They had both found themselves again, and found one another. They knew that they needed nothing else.  
  
After several hours, Deb gave into her exhaustion, and fell asleep in John's arms. He held her close, as if he would never let go. The storm outside has subsided to a mere shower, and he simply lay there listening to the raindrops fall to the ground. Eventually the sound of the rain lulled him to sleep as well, and they stayed that way until first ray of sunshine peeked through the window. They awoke at the same time, both aware that the power had just returned.  
  
"Good morning."  
  
John replied to Deb's greeting with a kiss.  
  
"Are you hungry? I am."  
  
"Well, then get up and get dressed and we'll go get something for breakfast. Sound good?"  
  
"Yes, but I'll have to get a shower first."  
  
"Sounds good to me."  
  
Deb laughed and grabbed one of the blankets that was covering them, wrapped herself in it and ran up the stairs. John grabbed the other one and chase after her. Catching her in the doorway of their bathroom. He grabbed her and kissed her and then followed her into the bathroom.  
  
They showered quickly and dressed and headed into the city, and stopped at a little café to eat breakfast.  
  
"So when and how are we going to tell every one?" John asked as they sat down with bagels and coffee for John and a cheese Danish and orange juice for Deb.  
  
"I don't know. I mean it will be awkward. Abby knows. She was there when I found out. I don't know how I would have reacted if she hadn't been there. But I know that she has not told anyone. I'm not quite eight weeks along yet. It might be a little early to tell anyone. I want to wait a while, and let people figure it out on their own. I mean I don't want to make a point to have everyone know that the baby is not yours."  
  
"I know."  
  
"We'll figure it out. Let's not worry about that now."  
  
He kissed her hands and they continued their meal, silently, both contemplating the question that neither had an answer to.  
  
****  
  
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE READ & REVIEW!!! I Thrive off of your reviews and would Really like to hear what you think, good or bad!!!  
  
HUGS!!! 


	7. You're Not Alone Tonight

Still Holding On  
  
Same disclaimers, ratings, etc.  
  
Time for a Baby Shower and an Unwelcome Surprise.  
  
****  
  
The next six months or so were spent planning and preparing, and purchasing ridiculously priced baby furniture and toys. Deb was eight months pregnant and they had every thing ready.  
  
John had surprised Deb in his acceptance of this child. This was his baby, even though it wasn't really his. At their five-month OB appointment, they had found out that they were having a boy, and John left the office grinning like a schoolboy.  
  
The only awkward moment came when they were talking about names. The decision about making him a Jonathan T. Carter the fourth was a difficult one for John. Deb did not want to pressure him in any way. It was his name to give. John had decided not to decide until further along in the pregnancy.  
  
Deb had decided not to go back to work at all, even though she was emotionally ready. She found herself extremely happy just being John's wife. She found joy in the simple things like rearranging the nursery, growing her roses out in the garden, and cooking for her husband. She did keep in touch with the girls at work, and found that they often had company at nights.  
  
She enjoyed her peaceful days at home, although she was never alone. Tim and Margaret were always there, and made Deb feel completely safe and secure in her own house. They had all become fast friends.  
  
It was on one of these peaceful days that her afternoon nap in the den was interrupted by Margaret.  
  
"Jing Mei, John is on the phone. He needs to speak with you."  
  
"Is something wrong?"  
  
"No. I don't think so."  
  
The older woman handed her the portable phone, and quietly left the room.  
  
"John?"  
  
"Hey, sweetie. What are you doing?"  
  
"I was taking a nap. Is something wrong?"  
  
"Nope, I was just hoping we could grab an early dinner together."  
  
"You're on until midnight I thought."  
  
"Yeah, but I get an hour for dinner, and Kerry wants me to take it around 5:00 because Luka has to leave early. Can you meet me up here?"  
  
"Well, I guess so. I wasn't planning on getting out today, but sure. I'll see you in an hour. Love you."  
  
"Be careful. I love you, too."  
  
With that, they both put down the phone, and Deb went to get ready for another meal at Doc Magoo's. She didn't feel much like dressing up, so she simply put on some khaki maternity overalls and a red turtleneck shirt. She threw her hair into a high ponytail, and finished it off with a red ribbon. She touched up her face with a tiny bit of makeup, and grabbed her purse, and headed out the back door.  
  
"I'll be back in while, Tim. I'm meeting John for dinner."  
  
"Do you want me to drive you?"  
  
"No thank you. I'll be fine. See you later."  
  
"Bye, Jing Mei. Be careful."  
  
"Thanks. I will," she said as she hoisted herself into the driver's side of the new SUV they had purchased. She and John both realized that his jeep and her BMW, which she could hardly fit into anymore, were not very practical for a baby, so they had added the more practical vehicle to the other two.  
  
She meandered her way through the streets of Chicago, and twenty minutes later found herself at the parking garage of County General.  
  
She still had an uneasy feeling every time she entered the Emergency Room, but it was nothing unbearable anymore. Upon entering through the triage entrance, she instantly ran into Susan. The blonde spoke up with a slight nervous laughter about her voice.  
  
"Jing Mei, Hi. What are you do in here. John said you weren't coming until 5:00."  
  
"Well, I'm only five minutes early. Where is he?"  
  
"I'm right here, Baby."  
  
John walked up behind her and turned her to face him. He planted a long deep kiss on her lips, giving Susan time to escape.  
  
"Mmmm. You're in a good mood. You ready?"  
  
"Not quite. I have to dispo a broken leg, but you can wait in the lounge for me."  
  
John took his wife by the arm, and led her to the lounge. When he pushed open the door, all the lights were off.  
  
"Damn bulb blew again, I guess," he said, smiling as he stood behind Deb.  
  
At that moment, the lights came on, and the couple was surrounded by all the female nurses and doctors and surgeons that worked down in the ER.  
  
"SURPRISE!!!"  
  
Deb was completely shocked and caught off guard.  
  
"You guys! What is this?"  
  
"A baby shower, of course," Elizabeth said with her sweet British accent. "Come on and sit down, your ankles must be killing you." All the women chuckled at this, and John helped his wife over to the chair. He kissed her forehead, and walked towards the door.  
  
"Now if you ladies will excuse me, there is a little bit too much estrogen in this room. I'm going to go help the rest of the men who are taking the raw part of this deal. You ladies owe us, big time."  
  
"Keep the board moving, Carter."  
  
"Will do, Kerry."  
  
Deb looked around the room at the women who had pulled this whole thing together. Susan and Abby and Chuny sat on the floor next to a huge pile of gift bags and boxes. Kerry, Heleh, and Elizabeth sat on the couch, while Randi and Lily were each perched on an armrest. Connie and Amira sat at the table, guarding the massive amounts of pretzels, cookies, popcorn, chips, and a huge cake shaped like a baby rattle.  
  
"This is great! I had no idea."  
  
"Well, that wasn't the hard part since you're not here to listen in on our plans. The hard part was convincing all the men to take part of our shifts."  
  
They all giggled at Chuny's comment, and Susan announced that it was time to open the gifts.  
  
Deb opened Randi's first and to no ones surprise, it was an utterly ridiculous leather jacket for newborns that Randi had designed herself.  
  
"Thaaanks, Randi," Deb said with a fake smile plastered on her face.  
  
"Your welcome. All you need now is a little baby Harley for the little guy."  
  
"No, no, no. No motorcycles for him. Not my son."  
  
Next she opened Kerry's gift, which was a huge box of diapers.  
  
"I always go for practical gifts. You can never have too many of those Jing Mei."  
  
"Thanks, Kerry. We definitely do need as many of these as we can get."  
  
She continued to open her gifts, and received a basket of baby hygiene items like an aspirator, nail clippers, thermometer, shampoo, and lotion from Susan. She also got a baby blue fleece outfit from Abby, a sliver plated piggy bank from Lily, and a breast pump from Connie.  
  
When she opened Elizabeth's gift, Deb was in awe.  
  
"Elizabeth, did you make this?" she asked as she pulled the beautiful pale green and white crocheted blanket out of the box.  
  
"Yes, I did. I love to do this. I learned when I was on maternity leave after Ella was born. Mark always made fun of me when I did it. He said that I was turning into an old lady well before my time."  
  
All of the women thought about Mark for a moment, and Deb finally broke the silence.  
  
"Well thank you. I really do love it. It matches the wall paint perfectly."  
  
"I know. Your husband was kind enough to bring me a paint chip."  
  
Deb quickly finished unwrapping the gifts, which were a stuffed teddy bear from Heleh, some sleepers from Amira, and a set of crib sheets from Chuny.  
  
"I really do appreciate everything you guys. This whole thing hasn't been easy for me or John, and it's because of our friends that we are able to get through all of this. I am nearly speechless, and I would be completely if it weren't for the fact that this kid and I are starving, so I'll end with this: let's eat!!!"  
  
They all laughed, and Connie fixed the guest of honor a plate and gave her some punch. They all began to chatter and eat until Jerry burst into the lounge.  
  
"The men have decided to stage a revolt until we get some cake."  
  
The ladies all looked at Deb.  
  
"What do you think Jing Mei? Should we have pity on those lacking the ability to give birth?"  
  
"I don't know, Elizabeth. We could just keep this for ourselves." Deb had a devilish grin on her face. Jerry opened door so that all the women could see the sad puppy dog eyes of John, Luka, Pratt, Gallant, Frank, and even Romano, that glared their way. "Oh, all right. I give. You guys can have some."  
  
There was a stampede into the lounge, and the men were soon talking baby stuff right along the ladies. They looked through the gifts that the women had given Jing Mei, and commented on them all.  
  
"Randi, why?"  
  
"Come on, Dr. Carter. It's the height of baby fashion. Every baby needs a leather jacket."  
  
"Riiight. Ok! Whatever you say, Randi."  
  
John walked always from the desk clerk, and over to his wife who was describing the baby's room to Lily. He walked up behind her and placed his hands on her large belly, and set his chin on her shoulder. He waited while the two women finished their conversation before he spoke.  
  
"Were you really surprised?"  
  
"Yep. I had no idea. Thank you."  
  
She turned and faced him, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.  
  
"But I'm exhausted now. How about helping me get this stuff to the car?"  
  
"Okay. Gallant, Pratt. Take these things out to the car for me."  
  
Deb laughed at her husband's abuse of power, as Pratt grumbled about the same. Gallant on the other hand was already picking up several of the boxes and was about to head out the door. Deb gave him her keys, and looked around, checking for anything that might have been left. All of the other doctors and nurses said their congratulations, and began to disperse. But before they could get very far, Jerry, who had gone back to manning his post at the admit desk, ran into the lounge.  
  
"Dr. Weaver, we have a twenty six year old rape victim pulling up. Police found her down by the lake."  
  
The words hit Deb like a rush of powerful wind. She found it difficult to keep herself contained, knowing what this woman was going through, and what she had ahead of her.  
  
Everyone stopped, and stood silently, not wanting to bring attention to Deb. John, who was standing behind her at that moment, grabbed on to her shoulders in support. He wanted nothing more than to get his wife out of this nightmarish moment. He didn't want her to have to relive this again. Dr. Weaver realized the situation immediately, and began to corral the doctors and nurses out the door, barking orders as she went.  
  
"Chuny, get a rape kit. Abby, go and prep trauma one. Luka, Susan, come with me, the rest of you keep the board running."  
  
She was the last one out the swinging door, and she turned around to find Deb wrapped in John's embrace. Dr. Weaver looked into John's eyes, and saw the pain return.  
  
"John, take the rest of the night off."  
  
He nodded at her, and they were left alone in the lounge.  
  
"Baby, I'm so sorry. Let's get you home."  
  
"I don't want to see her. I don't want to hear her. Please. Wait until she is in trauma one."  
  
"I know, I know, sweetie. I'll go make sure she is out of sight. You all right here alone?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
John waited a few minutes and then exited the room, and headed toward trauma one. What he saw when he got there brought back so many memories. Terrible ones. A beautiful girl with bruises, cuts, and blood everywhere. His mind instantly returned to that day nearly eight and a half months ago.  
  
He returned to his wife, and said nothing, only held her hand and walked her toward the door.  
  
****  
  
So, What do y'all think?  
  
PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!! I WANT REVIEWS!!! 


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